Posted by: janetleigh | February 4, 2009

Remembrance (Revised)

dawn_kirpernicusPhoto by Kirpernicus on Flickr

Remembrance V.1

I think I’ll always
remember you
in the early morning hours
just before dawn

when sky
is a velvet drape
melting colors
soft as raindrops;

a time
when everything is lazy
clouds majestic mountains
s-p-l-a-s-h-e-d
across sky in purple palette

trees cloaked
in sensuous beauty
swaying against indigo skies
stars like diamonds
falling at their feet

thinking

I’ll always remember you
in the early morning hours
when all I feel
is gentleness of morning
awakening

when all I hear is occasional bird in song
when all I know is peace within my heart

knowing.

Once again, I ask you, my gentle readers which version of this piece works for you, Version 1 or 2.   I appreciate any feedback you may offer.  I’m going through another spell where I want to tinker with my writing.  Just like I used to “tinker” with my hair when I was a young adult.*

Remembrance V.2

I think I’ll always remember you
in the early morning hours
just before dawn, when sky
is but a velvet drape, melting
colors soft as raindrops;
a time when everything is
lazy clouds, majestic mountains
splashed across the sky in purple
palette, trees cloaked in sensuous
beauty swaying against indigo skies,
stars like diamonds falling at their feet,
thinking, I’ll always remember you
in the early morning hours, when
all I feel is the gentleness
of morning about to awaken,
when all I hear is occasional bird in song,
when all I know is peace within my heart, knowing.

_________________
*I’d impulsively take scissors in hand and  snip and chop at my hair, always thinking I was improving on it, heh heh.  As a matter of fact, I think I had just tampered with it shortly before taking the photo known as my blog avatar.  Oh, here’s a good one – it just came to mind.  I used to tell my son, when he was a teen, that if he did anything weird with his looks, like get a mohawk, tatoos, or any piercings, stuff like that, that I would top it, knowing full well he’d be horrified.  And, he knew I’d do it, too. (wow.  That took a lot of nerve, considering all the times I changed my look while he was growing up.)  I’ll never forget the day I dropped him off with a babysitter when he was about 5-6 years old and then went to the hairdressers and got my long hair permed.  I came back hours later to pick Josh up, and when my babysitter opened the door, Josh peered out into the hallway, he didn’t know it was me, and he didn’t want to go home with me!  It took a while for us to convince him I was me.  What a scream, hunh?!

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Responses

  1. well i like them both,, but i have to say the first one causes me to pause and take a gentler kinder read than does the second that just lets me amble on thru the piece…

    i am thinking the first one makes it easier to feel the peace you speak of in the close as it is a slower more drawn out process…..

    and i love your ace frehely make up and your tinkered with hair!!! i think you look beautiful……

    Sorry I haven’t gotten back here ’til now, but I’ve been dealing with doggie duty as you will see from my latest post. Thanks so much for coming by and letting me know you like the first version, Paisley. I think it’s the one I’m going to use for submission. I agree with you that it slows the pace and I can really feel the space between lines and a peace settling over the piece.. ;> I hope you’re doing okay. I feel bad that I haven’t been successful yet with getting back here more routinely. It seems something always looms around the corner for us; I’m just grateful that I feel God’s presence in my life because it’s always better to be going through a crisis with the peace of God centering and grounding me, otherwise I’d feel the full impact of the “moment” in these very “interesting times” – a chilling reminder of the “blessing” [NOT!] bestowed on us by the Chinese..heh heh And I’m glad you like my old avatar. I was much older then, I’m younger than that now..hee hee

  2. I, too, prefer the Version 1, but both are good. The first one does allow perusal, to take breaths in between your insights, your colors. Version 2 amps up the passion and spills out almost scalding, pushing imagery at us; which can be, and in this case is, a valid poetic license….but my mood makes me meander more this morning, and Version 1 is my pick, and the one I posted on FFTR.
    my brother-in-law drove from Texas to Alaska, up the Alcan Highway one summer, and he grew a two month’s beard just for fun. When he returned, his 3 year old grandaughter screamed when she saw him, and would not let him touch her until he shaved. Then she asked where did the “scarey man go”?
    When I was an actor, I was in a play, CALIGULA, and wanted to curl my very straight hair. My girlfriend gave me a perm, and I look like little lord Fauntleroy. It freaked me out, and I demanded a reverse perm on the bangs so that I could go with the short Beatle look. I left the sides and back curly though, and it was a good look.

    Glenn

    Oh, I’m so glad you like Version 1, too, Glenn, even though you changed your mind later, as per below. I do the same thing. It depends on my mood, really. :> Thank you for putting it up on your blog, Glenn! I always feel honored, but humbled, that you think my work is worthy of gracing your site. You have such an eclectic mixture of media genre and as you know, I get lost in it. I can spend a whole lot of time on FFTR because you always have something new up that interests me immensely. Especially the poetry by our Native American poets. Love it!

    And OMG, thanks for the mental image of you in curly, permed hair.. I think I can actually “see” you doing a character as complex as Caligula (heavy stuff, btw) and doing a smashing job at it, too. Did you take any pics of this “do” and if so, care to share?

    And, of course, I can commiserate with your BIL’s “scream” experience from his 3 year old GD. Josh didn’t scream; just stared at me with bugged-out eyes. I don’t know, but I wonder whether being screamed at by a freaked-out GD would hurt my feelings now. I do know I was saddened, although amused by my little Contessa ChiChi just the other day when she wouldn’t come near me because I was wearing my hair down. I don’t do this often because it reaches past my butt cheeks and I end up sitting on it or getting it caught under my armpits and same such. Once I almost strangled myself with my own hair while turning over in bed. One would think such an experience would be scary enough to cut it on the spot, wouldn’t you *grin* Anyway, Little Tess backed away from me as I came closer and stayed her distance. When I came back from my afternoon visit with my sister, it took almost 1/2 an hour to comb all the rat tails and snarls out of my hair. It was very windy and I should have known better than to wear it down. My sister didn’t even recognize me when I pulled up next to her car. What fun!

  3. I prefer version 1, I like the easy flow.

    Thanks for letting me know, Amanda, and please accept my apology for not getting back here earlier and acknowledging your visit. I hope these distractions popping up in my personal life, plus the life-changing consequences that go along with losing a close family member, don’t become the norm. Do you ever have years like this, where everything seems to happen at once? I wouldn’t call any of the things I’ve been dealing with lately as “bad luck” but more like “life-changing” and the “end to putting off stuff” that has to be done. Oh, and adjusting to uncertainty. I do hope your life is running more smooth for you and that this year is one of your best, Amanda. I’ll be coming by to see what’s new with you, too..{{{hugs}}}

  4. Oh God, it’s like Sophie’s Choice. Okay – you know what makes me HAVE to choose version 1?

    s-p-l-a-s-h-e-d

    I adore when poets play with words and form like this.

    Version 2 is elegant and more traditional and is good in its own right. It depends on what you are going for. I call Version 1 = JOY and Version 2 = Classic Elegance.

    Keep both, I say. One’s looking out your left eye, one is the view from the right.

    Hi, Bryan! So good of you to stop in and tell me which version you like better of the two. I’m really liking Version 1 more and more, plus it seems validated by the choice my dear readers are drawn to. You have been so helpful here – letting me know what pleases you as a reader and what tweaks you enjoy visually while reading. And I love your mind; how you interpret and “see” things, especially the way you express things, like this for example: One’s looking out your left eye, one is the view from the right. Why don’t I think of great lines like this? You definitely know how to turn a phrase and make it fresh and unique, Bryan! I be coming by to catch up with you, too. Promise.

  5. Love them both and you did a great job with imagery. In Version 1, I love the second stanza.

    Thank you so much for telling me so, Ofira! I really appreciate you coming by, too. I hope all my gentle readers, yes all you dears, will check in to read Ofira’s blog. Her work is very unique and makes you look at things from a different perspective, and makes you think about what makes you uncomfortable, what you tend to avoid or side-step. Really worth a measured look-see.. :)

  6. Greetings – Interesting site you’ve created! I came by to say hi …and to invite you to stop by Image & Verse for a visit, or just to say hello.
    …rob

    Hello, Rob, and thanks for dropping in to say hello..:) I will return the gesture as soon as I am able. And please come back!

  7. it is a beautiful poem either way, but i think version 1 fits the mood of the poem better.

    Greetings, socratesoul, and welcome to Poetmeister. I appreciate your taking the time to let me know what version of the poem you prefer. I’m in the process of taking a look at some of my work of the past years to see where I can tighten them up and make them better. Do you find yourself doing this? I’ll be dropping by to take a look at your site, too. I love meeting new poets!

  8. It really is wonderful that you are getting back into writing and blogging. Thanks for the stop by my site. I love your comments and insights.
    Re-reading the two version this morning, I tend to respond strongest to Version 2 this time. It challenges us more, is less gentle, even though it covers much the same poetic terrain. So I guess the responses are analogous to how each reader is feeling at that moment on that day.

    Glenn

    And it’s really really wonderful that you still come by when I’ve been away for long periods of time, Glenn. You especially, and my other regular readers and cyberfriends, always remind me of the generosity of spirit, time, and intent to connect and stay connected with like-minded souls! It does refresh the spirit and and I treasure the close rapport I enjoy with you and so many others. I had to chuckle when I came back and saw your flip-flop regarding this poem – because – I’ve been going back and forth on it. I have strong ties to the original but I also am taking a closer look at my work to see if I can tighten up or make better any of my previous writings. It seems that I tweak my poems now as much as I used to tweak my hair years ago *laughter* snipping here and feathering there.. does it ever end? I hope this little note finds you well and your intentions are to ‘suck the essence’ out of Life these days, dear!


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